Sometime in July 2015, hackers pilfered the databases of Ashley Madison, a secretive online “community” for people already in a relationship looking for liaisons beyond their primary loyalty. This month, the hackers made the data public, exposing more than 36 million users who had bought into the website’s slogan: “Life is short. Have an affair.”
The consequences of our intentions can unleash a host of deeply damaging effects.
In the wake of the leak, a number of useful articles have appeared helping communities of faith process the ugly exposures: What to do if your name is on the list or if your husband’s name is on the list or if your pastor’s name is on the list. Most of these, however, have been written to help individuals in the church who are dealing with the deeply embarrassing and damaging consequences of actual or intended infidelity. But I have found few words written about how we as a church community should respond to situations like this. After all, what happens when Ashley Madison goes to church?
In many churches, the answer might be: “Very little.” Even at Grace, we can easily show up, attend a gathering, and leave without ever having a real conversation about what is happening beneath the surface of our marriages, families, and lives. Ironically, the Ashley Madison leak suggests it may be easier to maintain secrecy amidst a congregation than on a website! On the other hand, in some church settings exposure of this kind would generate immediate condemnation. Many of us are all too familiar with the kind of guilt-inducing, “gotcha” culture that thrives in religious settings.
Many of us are all too familiar with the kind of guilt-inducing, “gotcha” culture that thrives in religious settings. But how should the community respond?
In the Bible, one source of wisdom is found in 1 Corinthians 5, where the Apostle Paul “leaks” information to the Corinthian church about a darkly profane marital scandal and gives very clear instructions about how to respond. The most profound aspect of Paul’s counsel, however, is that while he does show concern for the individual, his solutions are exclusively directed toward the community. He expects them to take action, because the actions of the individual have massive ramifications for the kind of community Paul expects the church to be.
First, Paul exposes the individual problem: “A man has his father’s wife.” (1 Cor. 5:1). Indeed, this behavior is intolerable, even for unbelievers. Then, in the next verse, he turns a harsh word of judgment toward the church community: “And you are arrogant!” While the unwholesome union of a son with his mother-in-law is stomach-turning enough, Paul’s deeper concern is the apparent lack of action within the church!
Scholars present several theories to explain why the Corinthian community is “arrogant” and unresponsive. One such theory is that the believers think the grace and forgiveness of Christ has made them so “free” that any concern for morality or holiness no longer applies. Others argue that the unwholesome romance arose and was tolerated because of financial reasons—perhaps the son had begun a relationship with his stepmother in order to maintain access to an inheritance. If this is the case, the Corinthians may have abandoned their principles in order to accommodate a wealthy patron. Whatever the motive, Paul clearly views the situation as a failure of the community as much as a failure of the individual. His primary concern is that the church “remove” him from their midst and “deliver this man to Satan” so that his sinfulness might be destroyed and his “spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.” (v. 4–5). Paul desires both that the individual be saved and the community preserved from “malice and evil” (v. 8).
How could we apply this today? And what in the world does it have to do with Ashley Madison? How can Paul’s words help the Church walk wisely between the unhealthy extremes of licentiousness and legalism in order to reflect the heart of Jesus?
Here are three things we see in Paul’s response to the crisis in Corinth that can help our communities bring healing grace into the messes we make:
The church community is meant to be deeply interconnected.
The church community was connected, and what impacted one of them impacted all of them.
In the United States today, however, many Christians do not experience or live in the reality of a deeply connected community. As a pastor, sometimes I hear people say things like, “If I didn’t show up for a month, would anyone notice?” Perhaps not! But if that describes your experience, you are certainly not engaged with the kind of faith community envisioned by Paul in Scripture. This is why the small group/missional community/house church/family on mission idea is so important—each is a place in which the deep interconnectedness of God’s people is actually possible on a day-to-day level. Even in the story of Achan’s sin mentioned above, dealing with the tragic consequences of his mistake was filtered through the closely connected community of his extended family.
When Paul says, “A little leaven leavens the whole lump,” we should probably ask ourselves, “What lump am I a part of that could be ‘leavened’ by the actions of another?”
The church community is the place where we can help each other see what’s going on in our hearts and lives.
These days, I hear a lot of Christians quoting Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:1, “Judge not, that you be not judged.” But in 1 Corinthians 5:12, Paul clearly says, “Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?” So which is it? Should we judge? Or not? Would Paul and Jesus disagree?
“Do not judge,” is a warning against self-righteousness not against having accountability in community.
But this is also why the first observation about interconnectedness is so important. If we are not part of valuable, united community, rebuke often serves to alienate rather than heal. If we don’t know others or don’t feel known by others, their opinion is much less meaningful. Vulnerability is always difficult, but it is virtually impossible with strangers. Unless the community has real value, people often choose to withdraw rather than be open to listen or even change. The extent of a rebuke’s impact is usually directly connected to the authentic depth of the relationship between those involved.
Church discipline is always for the sake of restoration.
Paul’s desire for people is restoration.
Jesus didn’t say to banish the hurtful person into a world of vindictive isolation, but rather to change our approach in light of their persisting poor decisions.
Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 5 are very similar. While he restricts their interaction with the adulterous man in worshipful/meal settings (v. 9–13), his heart is for the man’s restoration. Interestingly, some believe that Paul’s words about radical forgiveness in 2 Cor. 2:5–11 suggest the man who had been expelled did, in fact, change his behavior and return in restoration to the community. Furthermore, Paul understands that the church in Corinth would continue to interact with outsiders to the community, and he encourages them to do so wisely and with grace.
So, how should we as a community deal with issues of infidelity like those exposed in the Ashley Madison leak?
Forsaking spouse and family in the pursuit of other options is biblically forbidden. At the same time, finding oneself in the midst of a deep, interconnected community of kind and gracious people who desire our good is biblically mandated! While we tend to focus on the very real and tragic pain generated by infidelity, we should also hear the call of Scripture to be part of robust, life-giving faith communities where healthy connection and healthy correction lead toward Jesus.
For more on 1 Corinthians 5:1-13, check out the the sermon from August 30, 2015.
Even though Paul expresses some hope for the individual’s restoration, the remainder of his argument focuses on the health and purity of the community. His solution appears harsh: “Let him who has done this be removed from among you… you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.” (v. 2–3).
Paul directs all of his counsel to the church because they are God’s people.
How does this apply to the Ashley Madison affair? Should we as a local church at Grace apply Paul’s advice here and expel from our community anyone whose name may have been exposed in the hack? Do we have an obligation to find out who among our members may have registered for an account on Ashley Madison?
Covenant is vulnerable.
Imagine trying to figure out the Ashley Madison mess without the cross as a place where sin goes to die and we all can find redemption.